Lethal computer virus spreads in humans

The first computer virus that passes from PCs to humans has been discovered in the wild. Leading anti-virus firms are putting users on high alert after Malwarlaria.B was spammed worldwide in the early hours of Friday morning.

"We've had proof-of-concept examples of this for some months now," said Avril Poisson, principal analyst at industry watchers Willwisp. "But disinfection is hard to achieve because the virus mutates so quickly. This is truly a significant and worrying development."

First discovered in the Far East in early 2004 Malwarlaria.A spread in cats and other whiskered creatures as they walked across the keyboards of infected PCs. Infected animals showed flu-like symptoms, slight hair-loss and the appearance of some darkened patches of skin, giving rise to Malwarlaria's other name, the 'Gorbachev virus.'

The mutated version, Malwarlaria.B, causes a similar reaction in humans.

"It seems to arrive packaged in emails claiming to provide a quick-fix for debt and including a diatribe with the words 'you hate freedom'," said Richard John Bingham, senior technology consultant at anti-virus vendor LucaanWare.

"In a way, it does exactly what it says, for death is instant debt-relief. Because of this it will be difficult to prosecute anyone distributing the virus. Anyone who thinks they may have been infected should contact their anti-virus vendor, doctor and lawyer immediately or maybe just a priest," he continued.

Early signs of infection include rising stress, rapidly fading eyesight and the appearance of a blue-screen on PC monitors.

Another version of the virus, Malwarlaria.C is prevalent in rodents and can infect users through the mouse. As yet it had not been found in the wild, but users are advised to switch to touch-pads.

"Anti-virus vendors have been caught on the hop here," said SC technology editor Jon Tullett. "I've seen many viruses in my time, but truly, this one is different gravy."

For more information on the virus, click here

Note: This is an April Fool's joke news story. Despite the obviousness of it, some people seem to believe it really is real! IT ISN'T!!! No more letters to us on this story!

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