(Image by Mike Strong)
(Image by Mike Strong)

Loser in library trustee election convinced Russians interfered with vote

Controversy is swirling in the town of Blackduck, Minnesota after the loser in a contentious board of trustees election claimed that a Russian APT group meddled in his campaign. Randall LaSalle, 66, leveled the accusations against Kremlin-sponsored hackers after coming in second to his arch rival and first cousin Judy Stein, 62. LaSalle specifically cited a series of slanderous “fake news” posts on the library's Facebook page that alleged he was looking to abolish the Dewey decimal system. He also blamed the Russians for leaking a recent email containing purchase order for Hooked on Phonics, which led to rumors that LaSalle was secretly illiterate. “It makes no sense. I was leading all the polls,” said LaSalle. “I blame that Fancy Bear, or Cutesy Bear. One of them Bears did it. I demand an investigation.” BB

Hollywood demands better mobile security from its stars

Tired of the embarrassment caused by the steady leak of nude photos of Hollywood's biggest stars, California passed the Stop Taking Nude Photos of Yourself and Leaving Them on Your Damn iPhone Law. This wide-ranging legislation will ban any celebrity from appearing on TV, film, radio or social media for six months if they are found to have kept their explicit images on an unprotected device or if they fall for a phishing scam that gave a hacker access to their device.

“As an industry, how can we continuously tell people how to run every aspect of their lives if we are not willing to lead by example,” a major Hollywood producer told SC Media. “Not to mention the fact that by allowing these images to be stolen we are losing the ability to cash in ourselves.” DO

DDoS attack hits DMV, nobody notices the difference

A massive distributed denial of service attack that paralyzed DMV facilities across the U.S. today went completely unnoticed by motorists who had already arrived at the affected locations anticipating the usual nonexistent service and interminable waits. A few astute customers did, however, observe a more upbeat mood among department employees, who reportedly were pleased to finally have a legitimate excuse for grinding business to a complete standstill as citizens slowly withered away in a hopeless quagmire of needless bureaucracy. “I'm not sure what all the fuss is about,” said Philadelphia DMV customer service representative David Neverson, 54. “Denial of service pretty much perfectly describes the daily status quo around here.” BB

Amazon moves to the Dark Web

In a move even more startling than its decision to open brick and mortar retail outlets, Amazon is investing in a new ecommerce site located on the Dark Web. Company execs said the decision to roll out Amazon Dark Web Services (ADWS) is part of an overall expansion program into areas Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos would normally not consider, but that will go into effect after Bezos leaves Earth on an upcoming Blue Origin's rocket flight to Mars where he will manage the company's first distribution center on the Red Planet.

“There are millions to be made on the Dark Web selling “As A Service” malware so why shouldn't we be involved? Hackers are an untapped consumer market for us,” explained one exec, adding the idea is not a far stretch from Amazon's current line of thieving products that includes tax preparation software that allows the government to steal from its citizens. DO

IoT manufacturers promise secure devices

After a barrage of bad publicity from hacked baby monitors and remotely disabled SUV brakes, IoT manufacturers have collectively promised to crack down on releasing unsecured devices.

Moving forward, all IoT devices will require users to login using the credentials username “admin” and password “123456” to ensure their information is protected from outsider threats. Industry professionals said the simple passwords will allow a basic level of security without compromising the usability of their products.

“The simple credentials make it easy for users to remember their passwords while ensuring their devices are protected at all times,” a company executive told SC Media.

Connected medical devices will also include an option to remotely disable the need for a login to allow doctors at any medical facility to have a quick and easy access point to patient information.

In addition, manufacturers said they will work toward a best practice to require all devices to use unencrypted communications to enable simpler law enforcement surveillance. RA

Trump turns off internet since ‘nobody understands the cyber'

President Trump announced today that all internet communications will be disabled indefinitely until someone can figure out what the heck is going on with the cyber.

White House officials said an unspecified malware, believed to be from the Russian advanced persistent threat group APT 29, aka, Fancy Bear, was found on the president's personal Android device.

Shortly after, President Trump announced that he will be turning off the nation's internet. When a reporter questioned the reasoning behind the cyber ban the president responded, “Nobody understands the cyber, and we need more information before we can properly secure it.”

Millions of Americans were left without internet. However, courier services have seen a recent bump in inquiries from users looking to send important documents.  RA

Gartner Magic Quadrant

Gartner announces it is creating a new Magic Quadrant for Cybercriminals. In order to be considered, the attacker needs to have conducted multiple attacks. You go up and to the right based on how successful your attacks are. Guccifer 2.0, for example, would likely be one of the leaders in this chart. We can go through and pick a handful of attackers and place them based on creativity, success rate, and if they were caught. SL

April Patch Tuesday

For the first time ever, Adobe did not release a Flash Player patch, oh that might give away the joke. Happy April Fool's Day!!

None of the items above are real and actions/incidents mentioned are fictitious. All people named and actions mentioned are fictitious and were prepared with a wink toward April Fool's Day. Any resemblance to actual events, places or people (living or dead) is completely coincidental.